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January 21, 2006

Knowing Oneself

I had a realization the other day.

It was part of working on Sight Unseen. Near the end of the play, my character has a monologue about a relationship that nearly destroyed her 15 years before. And one of my lines is, "I would have done anything for you, do you know that? Isn't that shameful? A girl so devoid of self?" That line really speaks to something in me, and in working to understand why, I made a discovery.

Long, long ago--well, okay, 15 years ago (huh, that's interesting)--I was in an abusive relationship. Not physical, the abuse was never physical, but then, we're never told about the possibilities of emotional abuse, are we? It's not something on which society (at least, this society) chooses to focus. Stories of people ground down by cruel words and unhappy silences and inexplicable coldnesses are not as dramatic on film as those people who are beaten to within inches of their lives and somehow survive to turn on their attackers. Or not.

It's funny. I remember thinking at the time that I would have ended it if he hit me. But he never did. it was all verbal jabs and batterings. Hitting someone in the psyche is the one way to hurt them and not leave tattle-tale bruises. Scars, yes, but not any that are visible to the naked eye.

Anyway. I spent two, almost three years being ground down to a sensitive, self-loathing nub. And I would have married this man. Almost did. I broke it off and threw him out of the house a month before the wedding.

Why?

Not because he hit me. Because he never did.

No.

Because he lied to me.

He lied, and I found him out.

What he lied about isn't important. I survived it, and besides, I promised him if he made reparations, I wouldn't tell anyone what he had done. The important thing here is that I ended it not because of the way he treated me, but because he lied.

I valued honesty above all other things, including myself.

My self-esteem has improved since then (I'm sure some people would say I've gone too far the other way), though I've recently discovered that I still have the tendency to be taken by surprise when people emotionally batter me. Probably because I approach people with the assumption that we're all being honest with ourselves and each other right from the beginning. It smarts when I learn they've deceived and hurt me for their own ends. Especially when the hidden agendas are so deeply buried that even the possessors don't recognize them.

I still value personal integrity above all other things. For that, I would like to thank my parents, who laid the foundation. And my husband, who is one of the most forthright, honest and upstanding people I know. (Which means I also need to thank his parents, who helped form the person he is.)

What one principle is such an important part of your psychological bedrock that you would turn your world upside down to defend it?

Posted by sally at January 21, 2006 10:29 AM

Comments

Posted by: Terry Bain at January 25, 2006 06:12 AM

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