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April 07, 2006
Bartender, Epiphanies All 'Round!
I had a moment today.
Coming out of a stall in the hideous pink and brown bathroom at work I caught sight of my reflection in the mirror. it was an unguarded moment. One of those where I see myself completely without judgement, when my reflection strikes me not as, "Whoa this light is unflattering," or "God! When did I get so fat?" but instead I see a stranger, someone who could be just anybody, before all the standard critical thoughts rush in.
"She's not a girl anymore," I thought as I saw the woman in the glass. Crows' feet, laugh lines. And then I thought, "But that's okay."
Because it is okay. I've earned the right to not be a girl anymore. And really, for the most part, I don't mind. There's a lot of shit I'd prefer to not have to work through again, thank you very much, so being a woman instead of being a girl is, in the end, something to be proud of. It's an achievement. I feel as though I've accomplished something worthwhile.
The interesting thing about this observation is that there is another woman I know, who is actually a year or so younger than I am, who is dealing with not being a girl anymore in exactly the opposite way. She sees it as the death of everything she cares about, and, wow, is that not working so well for her. It's sad, really, considering that there's not much she can do about it, and it's making her miserable.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not going to "let the grey come out to play" or stop with the application of things that make the wrinkles go away. Or at least stave them off for a little while longer. I'm just relieved that it's not going to be the end of the world for me. That my identity wasn't so wrapped up in being a girl that my world is falling apart now it's clearly no longer an option for me.
(I tried to fix that last sentence. Nothing worked. You'll just have to deal with the needing to read it three times to understand what I mean thing.)
Remember that whole embracing the void epiphany? Well, embrace the age is one small facet of that, my friends.
Posted by sally at April 7, 2006 10:10 PM
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