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June 29, 2006
The Unbearable Sadness of Being
Dave suggested this weeks ago. I know he's right, but I don't have the energy to address it. (It's just so much easier to sit on the couch and stare at things.)
I'm depressed. As in clinically. So. I'm Depressed.
I know I can (and should) do things about this. There are all sorts of steps and measures I can take to pull myself out of this hole.
I could just get up in the morning and face the day and get things done and feel better about myself.
I could exercise.
I could eat better.
I found a Reiki Master last weekend. He's local. Reiki did wonders for my depression the last time it was this bad. I could call him and make an appointment or six.
I could go in for acupuncture/counseling/drugs.
But I don't do any of them. As I said before, it's much easier to just not do anything.
The thing is, I do in part know why I'm suffering from depression now. I have no community here. I have tried to make one, tried to fit into one. There just isn't a place for me. It's too small, too rural, too conservative, too isolated. I don't have enough options here to keep me busy and keep me from feeling so alone.
Don't get me wrong, David is a tremendous support to me. But he has a life too. And right now, his life is more interesting than mine. I can only be so much of his life because I'm not in the program any more. I graduated. I need to find a life of my own. Which is far, far easier when living in a bigger, busier place than this little corner of the world.
So I turn to the internet. I try to create a community here. Is anybody listening?
Posted by sally at 10:00 PM | Comments (8)
June 28, 2006
And Far Away, the Golden Horns of Elfland Calling
There's a thin veil of cloud covering the sky overhead as far as I can see. So though you can still see the blue through it, everything is touched with a soft pink by the sunset. Everything in this instance means not just the clouds, so that the whole sky is pink, but also everything the reflected light touches. Our white house; the white petals of daisies, feverfew and love-in-a-mist; the white bark of the European Birch in the front yard. It all looks very romantic right now. Like living in fairyland.
And just over the garage roof, I can see a sliver of waning moon, peeping through the pink mist.
Posted by sally at 08:51 PM
That Old, Hungover Feeling
You know, hideous as they are, I can tolerate a hangover if I had one helluva night before. But last night? I didn't. I had a glass of wine. A. Glass. As in one. With dinner. Hours before I went to bed.
So why do I feel as if elephants are dancing up and down my spine? And through the back of my cranium? Oh and behind my eyes? Not sharp pain, not piercing pain. A persistent thump thump thump of pain. Like a dancing elephant (or twenty).
I also have that I can't really think well right now feeling that comes with a hangover. Only there is no way I can possibly be hungover after one little glass of pinot grigio. No. Way.
Dammit. If I'm going to feel like this, I at least want an evening of debauchery as a precursor.
Posted by sally at 10:09 AM | Comments (2)
June 27, 2006
Yogrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
For part of May and most of June, I've been getting up at 5:30 every Tuesday and Thursday and going to yoga at the Student Rec Center. It's been good for me. Increasing my flexibility, working the muscles around my knee that weren't getting work, improving my strength. Plus, I come home ready to get stuff done. And it's been pretty easy to just get up and go, despite the early hour. It's a great start to my day.
This morning, however, was not like that. This morning it took everything I had to turn off the alarm and then sit up in bed. Through supreme force of will, I did it. I got out of bed. I got dressed, brushed my teeth, put in my contacts. Everything I needed to do to go to yoga. Found my Rec Center spouse pass and class admission card. I drove to campus, despite barely being able to see. I attended class.
Unfortunately, the instructor did not. (You could see where this was going, couldn't you?)
I'm guessing it was a schedule misunderstanding. The regular instructor is out for the next two weeks. We had a sub on Thursday. This week and next week were supposed to be taught by the head of the Wellness Program. They tried calling her. No answer. Class is supposed to start at 6:15, I left at 6:30.
Because it's yoga, I wasn't dressed for other workouts (Tevas instead of gym shoes), so I just came home. Which was fine, in the end. More time to get lots of stuff done. Only, I'd much rather have slept in. (Mmmmmmm... Sleeeeeeeeeeep...) But since I actually got up and all, since I went throught the motions, I'd really like to have done the work the class gives me. I can do yoga at home, no big deal. I just don't work as hard as I do when there's an instructor there. Not sure why. Just more inclined to give myself a break.
As we were all leaving, one of the other women said, "Well, we get a point for effort, anyway." And I thought, "If I'm getting some kind of credit/benefit for this, I'd much rather lose five pounds."
Posted by sally at 07:57 AM
June 25, 2006
Get out the Confetti
We have reached entry number 400, Baybee!
For any of you who have cats, you probably already know the joys that come with an empty box or paper bag. And many of you know how much fun it is to skritch on the outside of an occupied box or bag. If that's your idea of entertainment, just imagine the delights that occur with an occupied box and a cat-sized whiffle ball.
Or don't imagine it. Just enjoy the sequence below.
Polyball I
Polyball II
Polyball III
Polyball IV
Polyball V
Polyball VI
Posted by sally at 09:47 AM
June 23, 2006
Unghk
The plumber is here. Which is actually a good thing. We have a toilet with a slow leak that is discoloring the linoleum. He’s here to fix it. We knew he was coming. Today. So that’s the good part.
The bad part is that I was asleep when he called at 8am. I heard Dave come up the stairs fairly rapidly. I thought someone was dead or injured. He never comes up the stairs that fast. And he said, as I lay there trying to focus on the ceiling, on the walls, on my name “Can you be available for the plumber if he gets here in the next few minutes?”
Yes. Because it was at my nagging that you called him. I’m the one who made the fuss, so, yes.
Get up. Blindly, even with the glasses on, stumble for the dresser. Pull on clothes. Stagger into bathroom. Ablutions. Brush hair. Do I have time to put in my contact—Doorbell. So that would be a no.
I showed him the bathroom. Showed him the stain. Left him to his business. And discovered that the coffeepot was downstairs with Dave who had specifically requested to not be disturbed because he is at this moment giving a presentation to over 100 important people.
If you don’t want to be disturbed, don’t hoard the coffeepot, Mister.
I toddled down the stairs, opened the door to his office. He looked around in annoyance, as in, “Can’t you honor a simple but very important request?” Let me make this clear. He did not say this, only looked it. I’ve been married to Dave for 8 ½ years, with him for 10, known him for 21. I can read his face pretty easily at this point.
“Coffee,” I gasped, barely keeping myself upright with the help of the doorknob.
Bless him. He understood my plight immediately and leapt to the rescue. I toddled back upstairs with the coffeepot and then realized that I had to go back downstairs to give a pill to the cat shut in his office.
Poor Dave.
I feel the need to justify myself at this point. I’m not normally such a slugabed. Well, I am. But I’m frequently up before this and much better at being awake most of the time. It’s just that…
We live in a small town. This is how small it is. There is a civil defense siren on the main fire station. It goes off every day at noon for a minute. So. Everyone in Moscow knows what that siren sounds like.
It is also such a small town that the fire department staff and EMTs are mostly very young. Many are volunteers (even the EMTs). To get good people, the fire department has a really strong training program. And they are flexible for the sake of the many college students who make up the majority of the staff.
Perhaps those two pieces of information together will explain why the siren went off around 1am.
At least, that’s what Dave and I think. We think a couple of the kids were messing around and started the siren by mistake. That doesn’t mean I didn’t lie there in bed wondering if there was some kind of huge emergency. Until I realized that the siren would have kept sounding if there was. And that maybe someone would be driving down the street with a loudspeaker telling everyone to evacuate. Still, being the world-class worrier that I am, I lay in bed imagining clouds of toxic gas from some explosions I hadn’t heard creeping slowly toward the house where we lay innocently in bed with all the windows open.
As we both lay there in bed, not sleeping, Dave gave voice to a thought that had been running through my head as well. “How many calls do you think 911 got about the siren?”
Because it is that kind of small town. The emergency siren goes off at 1am. You know the only way to get any information is to call 911 because it’s too late to get an answer anywhere else in the middle of the night. (The stoplights start flashing at 11pm) And of course, if the emergency siren is going off, the 911 dispatchers couldn’t possibly be busy dealing with the emergency. I’m sure they got eleventy-seven calls from old, frightened people who were afraid the world was about to blow up. (Yes, I just admitted to being worried about the same thing, but you’ll notice I didn’t call 911. Give me some credit for having a brain.)
This is the problem with living in a small town. Something happens in the middle of the night, you have no way to find out what it was. Because the very thing that makes the emergency siren more likely to go off at 1am here (the smallness which leads to children staffing the fire department) is the thing that keeps the news from being accessible immediately (we’re too small to have a TV station other than the itty bitty PBS affiliate at the university).
So instead, we either get in the way by calling 911, OR we lie in bed wondering if Mt. St. Helens just blew and is even now preparing to rain house-flattening ash on our unsuspecting hamlet. (Hey. It happens. Moscow got buried in 1980.)
Posted by sally at 09:17 AM
June 22, 2006
Arboretum Project, Week 24
(And further along the page, a moan-filled pity party, so be sure to scroll down!)
Panorama 6-18-06
Green Secrets
Bark
Honeysuckle II
Locust Blossom?
Honeysuckle
Lots
Black-and-White Elegant
Eight-Spotted Skimmer
(Libellula forensis)
Lord and Master
Secretive
Pods
Happy Happy Happy
June Pink II
The Quick and the Dead II
White Spires
Vine Leaf Option II
Trumpet Vine
New Flame Skimmer
Purple and Yellow Iris
Treasure
Posted by sally at 09:21 PM
A Community of One
So here I sit, stuck in this little, tiny town, trying to figure out what to do with myself. I've started a photography project (which I inflict on you weekly -- holy shit. I forgot to post the pics from last Sunday, didn't I? Dammit. I have too much to do right now to... Right. They'll be going up this evening, then.)
For the moment, though, back to the moping.
Here I sit. I'm not acting. For the first summer in 11 years, I have no acting job. This is killing me. I'm trying to do all sorts of stuff to distract myself. To keep myself from asking the dreaded question: Is this it? Does this mean I'm done? Is this really the time I'll never act again? Because this is the longest stretch I've ever gone. Since I started acting, back in 1992 (I think, maybe ‘91), I have not had such a long hiatus. It sucks.
Sucks Rocks.
There are so many things I miss about acting. I miss dressing up. I miss the challenge of having to use it all, mindbodybreathspirit to make things work. Most of all, though, I miss the community. I miss playing with other actors. I miss that a lot. I talked with some other theatre people today, two directors and an actor/designer, but it's not the same thing as going into a room and making shit up for three hours with people you trust and respect.
It's an occupational hazard, the kind of community actors build. We have to establish intimacy so fast. We have to learn to trust each other so quickly and so completely. And when the show's over, maybe you'll see those people again (if you're lucky). And maybe you won't.
In some ways, it's like asking to have your heart broken over and over and over again. In others, when the chemistry's right, there's no other team I'd rather be playing on. I can think of maybe six productions where things have clicked and the process has been like magic. (I can also think of a handful that have been painful from start to finish. When I was so happy to be out the door there were skid marks.) Those that fell somewhere in-between? Those were great too.
Now, though, I'm not involved in any process at all. At least, not a theatrical process. I'm doing a bunch of other "artistic" things. Writing daily. Photography. Creating a bra for a breast cancer awareness traveling exhibit. Gardening. Making things for my nephew's room. I’m eating better. My house is much cleaner than it’s been in years. (Yes, we still have a housekeeper. It's staying clean on all the other days of the week as well.)
When everything is said and done, though, I'd trade it all in a heartbeat to be in a roomful of sweaty people making sexually charged comments, laughing outrageously and occasionally shrieking profanity as I fuck something up for the third time in the same place. Especially if I knew I could trust them with my life. (And the good ones? I can.)
I need to get back out there.
But where is out there when here is so fucking small?
Posted by sally at 08:26 PM
June 20, 2006
I Swear to God
If the people down the block don't let their whining, yelping, yowling dog (who has been wooowyowwgrrrll-ing all effing afternoon) into the house soon, I'm marching over there, kicking open the goddamn door and letting the dog in myself.
Posted by sally at 05:20 PM | Comments (2)
And for the Spammers...
I know Carolina won last night. I watched the game. You don' t need to send your little 'bots to post the information in my comments.
I was kinda sorta rooting for Edmonton. But I didn't feel like they played well enough to win last night. Other games, yes. Last night, no.
But I still say that playoff hockey (especially Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals) is the best sport out there. It just doesn't get any better.
Posted by sally at 03:34 PM
Oh I Went to the Eye Doctor He Told Me What to Do
I did indeed visit the eye doctor today. My prescription had expired and so had my supply of contact lenses. Plus it had been almost two years since my last visit. He told me the most amazing thing:
For what I think is the very first time ever, my prescription has not changed. I am at 20/20 in each eye with correction and better than 20/20 with both eyes together. So I don't need new glasses, and I don't have to worry about the narsty headaches what come wiv increasing the refraction index of my lenses. Glory be and hallelujah!
If I'm lucky, this is where my eyes follow the lead of my (I think) great-grandfather, whose nearsightedness was eventually so well-matched by his farsightedness that the one corrected the other and he got to stop wearing correction entirely. Mind you, I'm like Marilyn Monroe in How to Marry a Millionaire. "Just blind as a bat, that's all". That'd have to be some farsightedness.
Posted by sally at 03:26 PM
June 19, 2006
Looking Out My Back Door
I spied this on a young sunflower plant. It was there when I left to take the cat to the vet. It was there when I got home again. I think it's just out of the cocoon and is drying off. The wingspan (and I'm terrible at guesstimating these things) is about 4 1/2 inches. Big butterfly.
male Tiger Swallowtail
Papilio glaucas
How appropriate that it's a Tiger Swallowtail.
I took Arboretum pix yesterday. Edited some, but I just felt "off". My sense of what was good was really shaky for some reason. I just couldn't get things right. I'll try to get them done and posted today.
In slightly related news, I filled my hard drive yesterday. Since mid-February when the new camera arrived, I have taken over four thousand photographs. On that camera alone. I need to do some winnowing and some removing from the hard drive. I had no idea I'd become such a picture-taking fiend.
Posted by sally at 10:05 AM
June 18, 2006
Happy Father's Day
To all the wonderful fathers (and fathers-to-be) I am lucky enough to know.
Especially my own.
I love you, Dad.
Posted by sally at 07:19 PM
June 14, 2006
Tee Hee Hee
The featured story running on cnn.com at this moment has the following headline:
Ganja 'bricks' found in Home Depot vanities
Not sure why they chose that particular word. (And no, I don't mean the word 'bricks'. ) It doesn't seem to be a space issue. It is making me laugh, however.
Posted by sally at 10:10 AM
Like Wallpaper in a Bordello
I love poppies. They're so showy.
Posted by sally at 08:55 AM | Comments (2)
June 12, 2006
Excitement Abounds
From today's weather report at NOAA:
SCATTERED STRONG THUNDERSTORMS ARE EXPECTED TO DEVELOP LATE MONDAY AFTERNOON AND EVENING. THERE IS ALSO A POSSIBILITY FOR ISOLATEDSEVERE THUNDERSTORMS. THESE STORMS COULD PRODUCE HEAVY RAIN LARGE HAIL AND WIND GUSTS TO 50 MPH OR GREATER. THERE IS ALSO A SMALL RISK OF AN ISOLATED WEAK TORNADO.
An isolated weak tornado. Yay. The way my luck is running, it will be isolated to my backyard.
Posted by sally at 02:09 PM
Arboretum Project, Week 23
Panorama 6-11-06
Yesterday was a lazy day. Rather than starting at the top, walking down to the bottom and then back up, I began at the bottom by the barn. And then I took my time, wandering, meandering, occasionally stopping and just taking things in, like the twelve turtles in the weedy part of the lower pond who would bask, then swim, then bask some more and the occasional jumping fish.
There was a party going on at one of the houses on the rim. The quiet kind, the best kind of party to have on a long, hot Sunday afternoon, where everyone lounges in the sun and eats a lot and drinks good beer while having great conversations to good music. Made me jealous. I went home and had a Pacifico with lime and a couple of handfuls of potato chips, but it just wasn't the same thing.
Columbine
Blue
Cleared for Landing
Keeping an Eye on Me
There is a killdeer in the above photo. It wasn't pleased that I was in its space. But since I didn't do much, other than sit in the shade, it eventually decided it could get a drink without danger. It was right.
Eagerness
Drama
A Tumble and a Rush
This teeny little falls made me want to kick off my shoes and wade. I didn't. But I wanted to.
Blue Skies
Flame Skimmer
(Libellula saturata)
An aggressive little dragonfly, I saw this chase a couple of damselflies away and then return to the exact same iris.
Blue Throats
Do you have any idea how hard it is to photograph a bee?
Buzy Blur
Buzy Snack
In Solitary Splendor
Japanesy
I gave the above photo the name for a couple of reasons. First, there was just something about the shapes that made me think of Japanese gardens. And second, because I once worked with a music director in summer rep who was trying to teach me a drumbeat. He'd play it, then I'd play back what I'd heard. Then he'd say, "No no no" and play it again. And I'd play back what I'd heard. At one point he said, "No. What you're playing is too Native American. Make it more Japanese-y." As if I had ANY IDEA what that meant.
IRISES
(Yes, I know the title is in all caps, but, really, what else could I call it?)
Culvert
Hallelujah
The Whole Family
Mom, Dad and all five babies from the goose family I first saw back in May.
Golden Secrets
Cool Green
Ducks a Deux
Iris Bed
Spiked
Lady Bug
Tree Peony
Thirsty Greens
Wingèd Rose
Mid-June
Finding Her Light
Sundog
Posted by sally at 11:53 AM
June 10, 2006
For What It's Worth...
Coming from me, this site leaves me in awe.
I mean, if all six of my readers go there, woooo.
Seriously, though. The pictures the man doesn't take are pretty amazing images anyway. Perhaps even moreso for not having been taken. If that makes any sense at all.
(Click on the link. It will make sense to you then.
I promise.)
Posted by sally at 09:52 PM | Comments (1)
June 09, 2006
Like a Rhinestone Cowboy
(ba dah DAH)
Is running through my brain
And I can't get it out of my head
(ba da DAH)
Please, please, someone HELP me.
Posted by sally at 09:15 AM | Comments (2)
June 08, 2006
BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN
(to quote Dave Barry)
I had to wait until everybody else knew and now I can post this.
I'm getting a nephew!!
My brother and sister-in-law called me on the way home from the doctor to announce they're having a boy. Everything looks as good as it possibly can. I immediately went out and bought some more clothes and books to celebrate.
(It's taken all my strength of character to not immediately purchase one of these. I saw them at the bike store/art gallery downtown, and even though the baby won't need one for a couple more years, I want to get it NOW.)
Posted by sally at 10:47 AM
June 07, 2006
Arboretum Project, Week 22
Panorama 6-4-07
Amassing
Oddly Creepy
Seeding
On the Way In
Buggy
I have no idea what these little guys were. Or what they were doing. This is the tightest focus I could pull. But they were all on the highest part of the weeds. And every so often, a few of them would fly up and then flutter back down again. Oddly, the fish didn't seem to see them.
Poplars
Determination
Solitude II
Five Turtles
Can you find all five turtles in the above photo? Once you recognize one little turtle head, the rest are pretty easy to spot. There were actually about ten turtles visible in and around the lower lake, counting both those in the water and those basking. It's a very heartening sight, that many turtles. At least, I find it heartening. I might not be nearly as excited if I was a piece of lettuce.
Goldfinch
Yellow Iris
Light and Shadow
Distant Hills
Speared
White Iris II
Snail
Midsummer Tears
And after the jump, Pond Lilies!
Pond Lily II
Pond Lily III
Pond Lily IV
Pond Lily V
Pond Lily and Dragonfly
Posted by sally at 07:35 PM
June 04, 2006
This Suprises Me Not At All
From an article on family dinner times at time.com:
Studies show that the more often families eat together, the less likely kids are to smoke, drink, do drugs, get depressed, develop eating disorders and consider suicide, and the more likely they are to do well in school, delay having sex, eat their vegetables, learn big words and know which fork to use.
Family dinners were an almost daily thing at my house. No television, just family and conversation. Sometimes we had deep discussions, sometimes we made family decisions (we joked about bringing things before "the committee"), sometimes we played ridiculous word games, everyone riffing pun-wise on a theme. Sometimes, as I got older and began to assert my independence, the meals ended in shouting matches with my long-suffering but very patient father. The point is, I took those dinners for granted. Even now, I just assume that's the way things should be.
We were a stronger family for those dinners, I have no doubt. And I was a good kid, not just because we ate dinner together, but because of what that commitment by my parents, to always eat together when we could, said about their commitment to my brother and me.
Thanks, Mom and Dad.
Posted by sally at 03:07 PM
Monsoooooooooooooon
It's raining here. Alot. Am I a bad artist for not wanting to go out to take pictures in this?
That's the view of our porch roof from the kitchen window. The big stream of water is what's coming off the house roof onto the porch roof. It's kind of a clever system actually. The house rain gutters on that side empty into that trough on the porch roof. That empties into the porch rain gutter which drains into a french drain somewhere in the yard. But the amount of water coming off the house roof gives you some idea of just how hard it's raining. And it's been raining like this for over an hour.
And then there's this short term forecast courtesy of NOAA:
WIDESPREAD MODERATE TO HEAVY RAINS WILL CONTINUE TO IMPACT MUCH OF EASTERN WASHINGTON AND ADJACENT PORTIONS OF NORTH IDAHO. THROUGH 1030 AM...THE HEAVIEST RAINS ARE EXPECTED TO FALL ACROSS SOUTHEAST PORTIONS OF THE COLUMBIA BASIN AND THE WASHINGTON PALOUSE.
My house is about 2 1/2 miles from the Washington Palouse. Close enough to really be considered a part of things.
Anyway, once theis clears up (if it ever does) we're thinking of releasing a dove , just to see whether the waters have abated.
Posted by sally at 09:51 AM
June 03, 2006
Princess of Non-Sequitirs
I first wish to make clear that I adore the little girl I am about to describe here. She is beautiful, she is funny, she is smart. And I don't just feel this way because when she finds out I'm coming to visit she says things like, "I like Sally. Her nice."
But she's 2 1/2. She makes some connections that she just can't explain to weird grownup types. Like the one I'm about to relate.
Understand that I know how fragile feelings can be. I would never laugh at a kid who is already upset about something. Just because they can't always explain or express their feelings clearly doesn't mean they aren't experiencing those feelings intensely. However, the following exchange required me to turn around on the couch very quickly and stare at the opposite wall, because I almost burst out laughing.
She had been napping or was on her way to napping, I don't recall which, but Dave was helping the Dad install a murphy bed in their spare room, and the Mom and I were chatting in the living room, and the Little One came out of her room. Something distressed her, I don't recall what. It might have been getting her nose "cleaned" and scrubbed (she had a little bit of a cold). [Edit: I remember the cause of the argument: She wanted to keep her children's vitamins in the play kitchen in her room, and her mother, a good parent, took them away to put them in the real kitchen, explaing "that's where medicine goes." ] She started to cry, and the Mom said, "If you're going to cry, please go to your room."
And the Little One, tears pouring down her face, wailed, "But I have my slippers on."
I'm hoping I've told this story well enough that it's not just funny to me.
Posted by sally at 12:34 AM
©2006 - All content copyright Sally Eames-Harlan unless otherwise noted