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October 27, 2006

Pretty Good Show, for a First Preview

We opened last night. All things considered, I think it went well. I have rediscovered, however, the need for a warm-up audience before having a "real" audience.

Last night was the first night for an audience, and it showed in my work. I don't know about the other actors, but I'd been needing an audience since Monday night. I had gone as far as I could with the stuff we were doing and really needed that extra something the audience contributes. Plus, I've been very nervous about this show from the beginning--about my own capabilities and whether they would be enough, not about the other people involved--and all of those insecurities came rushing to the fore once I knew there would be new butts in the seats.

I struggled with that demon all day, trying to remind myself that it is what it is and that I have to let it go. I made sure I wasn't going to have any additional stresses or worries or pressures and timed my afternoon accordingly. For the first time since tech began, I actually had enough time backstage so that they didn't have to hold the curtain for me. I was ready 20 minutes before Go.

I spent ten of those minutes standing backstage praying and trying to relax. I'm not sure it worked. Because when the lights went out and I snuck on and climbed into the bed, my heart started pounding. There I was as the lights came up, "asleep" in bed, with my heart beating so hard I could see the covers moving.

Fortunately, the bed is in half light until things really get going, and all the way upstage, so I'm pretty sure I was the only one who was able to take my pulse by the fluttering of the sheets.

Then Danny came in the door and the fun started.

All in all, it was a decent show. I have it on good authority (Dave) that at least two of the audience members were reduced to wet, quivering messes. They're both married to cast members (me and the guy who plays Happy), so I'm not sure they're unbiased responses. On the other hand, they were both weeping pretty seriously, so that's a good (?) sign.

And when we had notes afterward, I received some really helpful reassurance. I knew the first scene was rough while I was in the middle of it. I had such a hard time slipping into that place of connection that Danny and I discovered early on. I kept trying, but adrenaline and nerves and that awful worry that I'm not good enough for this kept getting in the way. Jere mentioned the clunkiness of that scene and the lack of connection between the two of us, and while I was nodding away like a bobblehead doll because that was exactly the problem, Danny said, "Yeah, I kept second-guessing myself all through that scene."

Oh.

So It wasn't just me.

What a relief to know that. Again, it's so helpful to know that someone who has buckets more experience in this than I do still has problems with those same things. Bless his heart.

This show has been such a healing experience for me. After I graduated, I was pretty sure I didn't want to act again. I was the next best thing to done. The pain of the work was far greater than the joy, and I was tired of putting myself through that. Then I got to work with two lovely people on a directing scene from a play I adore, and I felt like maybe someday I could act again. Right after that, I ended up in Sight Unseen, and though it was by and large an extremely frustrating process, I got to do some exploring in that show that helped me see where I could take the work. So I was gradually sneaking back into acting. Or maybe it was sneaking back into me. But I still only thought about it as maybe keeping my skills up to date in case I wanted to get back into the business for real.

And now here I am, slightly more than a year past graduation, and thanks to this process, the wonderful, healthy, interesting process that has been Death of a Salesman, I find myself wanting to act again. Wanting to go back to being a part-time, kickass secretary so I can spend most of my days and nights doing the thing I love.

Dave said that one of the things that set him off last night was watching me do the thing I love. He said, "I saw you up there, doing what you love to do, and I was so glad. Because it's been a long time since I've seen you do what you love to do."

It's been a long time since I've loved to do it. It's been a long time since it's been anything but pain and hard work. Thanks to Jere and Danny and Scott and Ashley and Kevin and Adam and Uli and Ian and Peter and Matt and John and Kimberly and Tessa and Tiffany and Cheri and John and Justin and Rob and Megan and Kelsey and Mai and Jessica and Mary and all of the people who have made this process so egoless and magical, I've rediscovered the love. Thank you all so very, very much.

I'm ready to act again.

I even found a new monologue last week. It must be a sign.

Posted by sally at October 27, 2006 09:40 AM

Comments

Posted by: Dad at October 27, 2006 11:11 AM

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