Sallyacious

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May 31, 2007

Force of Habit

I've discovered something about myself over the years. If I can get one behavior to become a habit, I can then focus on another life change without dropping the first. Instead of trying to change my life all at once, I change it a little at a time, focusing on one shift before I begin another. It seems to be working.

For example. Last summer I decided to train myself to empty the dishwasher every morning first thing, and to put the dirty morning dishes in it right away. That's been part of my morning routine ever since. I've only missed it on a few days when I had to be at school at 8am (or something equally hideous) and just got out of bed and went. Otherwise, the dishwasher gets emptied while I make the coffee. Then I can just put the dirty dishes in all day, rather than piling them up in the kitchen until I don't want to face them any more.

Or, take a dietary habit. Also last summer, I started making smoothies for breakfast. Not smoothie-smoothies, because I can't have yogurt, but shakes made with fresh or frozen fruit, chocolate soy milk, soy powder and coffee. They're really tasty (pay no attention to what Dave says about them, he has no idea), and they're tremendously good for me and not that many calories. Today's shake, for instance, had 3/4c strawberries, 3/4c blackberries, 1c raspberries, 1/2c blueberries, 25g soy powder, 1c chocolate Silk, 1.5c coffee, a small kiwi and half a small banana. It was less than 500 calories and sooooooo good. And all of it was good for me. (Well, except the coffee, but that cup and 1/2 is most likely all the coffee I'll have today.)

We used to go out for breakfast on Saturdays and Sundays, but that got tossed out the window during this last, very busy semester when Dave and I hardly saw each other. Since I've really got in the habit of the breakfast smoothies, though, I notice I don't feel as well if I have something else for breakfast. Like eggs or a scone or something. I just feel better if I start my day off with a smoothie.

And now that's shifted into lunch. I've started trying to eat healthier lunches just because I feel better if I do that too. If I can, I have something with lots of fresh veggies on it. (Though it's tough to do a healthy lunch during the semester just because I'm usually at school and must eat something NOW by the time I get out of class.) The point is, I'm trying to make that my next habit.

These all seem like silly examples, I know. Tedious, small, boring. But they're working for me. I now also have the habit of writing for 45 minutes every morning. By hand, in books I've made myself. I started April 1st, and except for a couple of days when life was just too crazy (like when I had to administer a final at 8:30am) and when we were traveling this weekend, I haven't missed a morning. I did write one morning while we were gone. I hiked myself down to the nearest open Starbucks and wrote for an hour. The other morning, I was trying to write in a much busier Starbucks, we had a deadline and I was trying to not bug Dave, so it didn't work out as well and I only got about a page down before I gave up. And then I was cranky all day.

The point is, I feel better all day if I have my morning smoothie. And if I write first thing. Both those activities set me up for the day and after that, I'm raring to go. I've managed to find habits that work for me, that are healthy. I'm trying to get into a couple of other habits now, like going to the gym. And working in the yard. Though those are harder for some reason. I suppose because they're more flexible. I like flexibility, I think it's a good thing. But it's easier to sit down and drink my smoothie while writing in my notebook first thing in the morning than it is to put on gardening or workout clothes and get together all the stuff I need to work. I have been to the gym three times in the last week, though. And I was able to do more than I thought I'd be up for. I guess that's something.

The main new habit I'm trying to cultivate, however, is yoga. I love yoga. I always feel so good after a workout. But the yoga class offered during the summer is at 6:15 am. Which means getting my butt out of bed at 5:45 in order to be dressed and there on time. Currently, my body is gradually working its way back to waking up at 8am. Because that's what it likes to do best. I spent the semester getting up at 7:30, and then, once I began writing, 7. And my body tolerated it. But really, it likes to get up at 8 and has for years. So now, I have to try to get it up two hours earlier, just to do yoga. So far, it hasn't cooperated. Then again, I haven't changed the alarm from 7am to 5:45, either. I have bought granola bars, though. So I can eat on the way to the gym. I can still have my smoothie and do my writing after yoga.

Baby steps. Little habits. One change at a time.

Posted by sally at 09:37 AM | Comments (2)

May 22, 2007

There Are Some Men

for whom my voice changes. It's completely involuntary, but if I see them unexpectedly (or sometimes even expectedly) there is too much joy for my body to contain, and it comes out in my voice. This happened at the gym today, when I saw one of the wonderful men in my life here. He's a student. I've known him for a couple of years now. And I have to say that he is one of the most talented men I've ever met. Should he choose to, and should he get a few breaks, that boy Could. Go. All. The. Way.

He's got some work to do, but he has HUGE amounts of drive and intelligence and passion, and he works so fucking hard. People are starting to notice what he can do, to which I say about damn time. Because he's amazing. Plus, he looks like a very young Val Kilmer. Which doesn't hurt.

Sounds like I'm a little in love with him, doesn't it? Sounded even more like that today at the gym when I said, "Hey, you!" all honeyed tones and velvet. Because I was just so happy to see him. The boy makes me happy. And there are a number of fellas who do the same thing for me: Paul, Paul, Karl, Raf, Wade, Joey, Hath, Bill, James. Men I love to see and to be with. Because they're such great people. And because it feels so good to just spend time with them. (Though I haven't seen some of the men on this list, most of them, actually, for years. Man. That's sad. I need to do some traveling.) It probably doesn't surprise you to hear that they're all actors. And so my connections with them are deeper than they might be with other guys. I'm a little in love with them all.

Which is not at all the same thing as not being in love with my husband. There is no real way to measure the depth of the feelings I have for my David. It's just not possible. There are not words and there are not numbers for it. But hearing me, in they gym today,say hello to one of the boys I love, may have been misleading. Especially for the poor former student of mine who was also in the weight area and heard me. He knows who my husband is. And he also knows that the 21 year-old fella I spoke to is not my husband. Yeah, I know, I'm almost twice his age.

But I'm not talking about sex here, or broken vows of any kind. I'm talking about spending time with someone I care about, and about allowing myself to open up and fully let that person into my heart. I do that for my friends. It doesn't mean I sleep with them.

It doesn't hurt me to love him, just love him, just revel in my great good fortune to know such an amazing young man. It doesn't hurt me to love any of them, frankly. Nor does it hurt anybody else. In fact, I'm a better, stronger, more complete human being when I let myself love everyone who comes my way. Why shouldn't I love as many people as possible in the short time I have on this planet? Why shouldn't we all?

Posted by sally at 03:57 PM | Comments (8)

May 21, 2007

Quieter

I went grocery shopping yesterday afternoon. It was quiet in the store. With little clumps of worried people here and there. Talking and frowning. An undercurrent of fear and worry. Not, I think, because anybody thinks there's another shooter out there, just because Saturday night's events aren't the sort of thing that happens here. And now the real world has intruded and our peace has been violated.

The caretaker for the Presbyterian church was a friend of one of our favorite barristas at Starbucks. She's a mess. I feel so bad for her and for all those who knew and loved both him and Officer Newbill. Though I didn't know either man, by all accounts they both deserved better deaths than they experienced.

I also feel a great deal of pity for the gunman (whoever he was) and his family. When we as a society disallow every emotion for men except anger, I don't know why we're so surprised when they explode with rage. I don't know what happened to him to put him in a place where the events of Saturday night seemed like his only option, but he must have been in agonies. I don't think he could possibly have been sane, his actions were not those of a rational person.

I am not in the least trying to excuse him. I hold him fully accountable for his deeds. But he must have been in terrible emotional pain to lash out the way he did, at both his victims and himself. And for that, I'm sorry. So I do pity him, and his family. Not only do they have to suffer his loss, they suffered the pain of living with a soul in torment while he was alive, and now they have to deal with the shame that must come through knowing what he did to our community. Even if there was nothing they could have done to prevent it.

It's just sad all around. If we could just start caring for each other instead of trying to control our fellow human beings with rigid and unbending standards that are impossible for fallible people to meet, perhaps then we'd see a drop in these kinds of crimes. Maybe loving acceptance of each other would ease the pressure that causes some minds to snap when the load becomes too great. I think we're living the inevitable results of a polarized society. In which case, our leaders, those whose election strategy is divide and conquer, have a great deal of explaining and fixing to do.

Posted by sally at 09:21 AM

May 20, 2007

Fan-fuckintastic. We are now the lead story on CNN.com

The above would be sarcasm. First we're headlines for poor John Dickinson and now this.

You know, people. It's small town America. People do strange things sometimes. Get too deeply into their own heads and stop being sane. Awfulness happens.

It's also a university town. People here are pretty rational, for the most part, despite the racist dickheads to the north and the hyper-religious nitwits who started their own college. It truly, truly sucks that we've lost one of our officers and two other community members.

We're not the Wild West. And somehow headlines like "Officer dead after ambush in Idaho" make it sound like Ruby Ridge or Waco. Trust me. These things don't happen here. This is the first time in 138 years an officer has died in the line of duty.

But damn, not good recruiting for the University, especially given the other events of the last semester. I wish people would just realize that this shit happens everywhere.

Posted by sally at 09:57 AM

What the F----k Is Going On?

Last night, around 11:30pm, Dave and I had just crawled into bed. We heard a series of pops.

Gunfire.

Both of us put down our books and looked at each other. (What? He's 40. I'm 39. We're both academically inclined. We read in bed.)

No. Must be fireworks. People don't shoot off semi-automatic weaponry here.

(More pops. And then LOTS more pops.)

No. Definitely gunfire. At a relatively safe distance from our house, but still. Not used to hearing semi-automatic gunfire in the middle of the night here.

Dave went out the front door to see if he could determine where it was coming from. He came back in about three minutes later. "Sounds like it's coming from Downtown." We had a big old conversation about whether it could be drug-related (we assumed so), what the hell could be happening, didn't there appear to be two different kinds of weapons? (Semi-automatic thingy & what sounded like a shotgun.) And then we made a couple of silly jokes about it probably being acquaintances of ours and went to sleep. Because it appeared to be over.

Only, of course, as these things go, it isn't over. It's just beginning. Now we have to deal with the deaths of at least two members of our community and all of the fear and gossip and recrimination and the wondering why.

I don't know anything more than the following:

1) Somebody holed up in the 1st Presbyterian Church (yes, the one right across the street from your old apartment, Heather) and fired off a volley of shots into the County Courthouse, which is about a block and a half away and down the hill.

2) As officers from the courthouse responded, they were shot.

3) The last shot heard was at 1am.

4) Three teams from the Idaho State Police, Lewiston Police and Whitman County (in Washington) forced entry to the church at 6am this morning and found two white male bodies in separate rooms on the main floor. One of those bodies also had a rifle, casings and ammunition near it.

I also know that someone is in surgery and that witnesses think one officer may be dead. I know that at least five people were wounded and two killed. And that there is a press conference at 9am. I also know that my husband is being really cranky and predicting stupid and paranoid responses on the part of Moscow residents that include a restriction of existing civil liberties. I'm trying to remember that it's a university town, and that means that a fair amound of reasoned discourse will probably take place.

And as a bonus for those who have read this far, the Spokane news anchor's stupid statement, the one I heard on TV just now, "As to how somebody got a high-powered rifle into a church in broad daylight, we just don't know."

I have some things to say about that:

Dude. For starters, it wasn't broad daylight. It was 11:30pm. Most people here were either in bed or in bars. So not only was it dark, it was probably pretty quiet. Someone could walk down the street with an elephant, and unless it made a noise, no one would notice.

Secondly, many churches leave a door unlocked so that anyone needing solace can find it at any time of day or night. I don't know if that's the case here, but given the usual quietness of this little town, it may well be.

Finally, it's Moscow, Idaho. People have guns in their cars. People walk around with guns in cases on the street. Not all the time, but I see it. (Sort of like meth use in Spokane, Buddy. Pretty common practice.) I've even seen a guy carrying a naked rifle into the pawn shop. No case. Just a gun. That was my first week here. I had a minor freakout about it.

Mind you, I still am not comfortable with guns randomly hanging on racks in vehicles. It's pretty easy to break into an old Ford to steal one. Nor am I all that keen on seeing people walk down the street with what is clearly a gun case. But they sell guns in sporting goods stores. Because people here hunt. It's a rural town in a fairly game-friendly area. Guns are all over the place. Yes, I would get really uncomfortable seeing someone with a high-powered rifle walk down the street in the middle of the night, but as I mentioned in my first point, there wouldn't be a lot of people around to notice.

I'm just glad, as Dave said last night, that it wasn't those same shots coming from campus in the middle of the day.

Posted by sally at 07:49 AM | Comments (3)

May 18, 2007

Worst. Wife. Ever.

That would be me.

Why should I deserve such a title, you ask? Lemme 'splain.

Today is David's 40th birthday.

He's been out of town all week, so we've been chatting on the phone every so often. When he travels, I make him call me from every airport. Just so I can stop worrying for roughly two minutes that I'll never get to see him again. Today is no exception. He's on his way home today, and he called me around 8am from Minneapolis while waiting for his flight to Spoke.

We had a nice and silly conversation and hung up. I went about my business, getting breakfast made, cleaning up after myself, doing some other stuff, and all of a sudden, I had a text on my phone. It read,

"Happy birthday to me?"

At which point I realized I HAD FORGOTTEN TO WISH MY HUSBAND A HAPPY BIRTHDAY. ON HIS 4OTH. Because, as I said, I am the Worst Wife Ever.

This is not something you recover from. I cannot believe I actually forgot to wish him a happy birthday. Mind you, if he'd been here, I would have wished him happy the minute he woke up. I hadn't yet put "Friday, May 18th is Dave's birthday" and "today" together, because, I think, I was kind of thinking of his birthday as starting once he gets home from the trip.

Which should happen any minute now. (I had to hide all the presents because I wasn't done wrapping them, so I'm sitting here writing and trying to look all nonchalant for when he walks in the door and gets nailed in the face with streamers. Because they're taped to the doorframe.) Though I suppose I could clean the living room. It's pretty much a disaster area. As is my office.

I should mention that the moment I read the text message, I called him. He answered and I said, "Happy Birthday!?!?" (in exactly that tone of voice). And then I took a page out of my friend Nancy's book. Nancy & I went to high school together, along with our friend Karma. Karma's birthay is at the beginning of January. Nancy's is in April. So every year, on Karma's birthday, Nancy calls her. And says, not "Happy Birthday!" not "Congratulations!" but "How is it?" in this concerned and worried sort of voice, as though Karma's recovering from elective heart surgery or something. It's hilarious. To me, anyway.

So that's what I said to Dave, "How is it?" Since, after all, my turn is less than four months away at this point and I thought it might be good information to have. And he said, "Actually, I can't tell you. It's not allowed. I got a phone call this morning, giving me all kinds of interesting information, and one of the things they told me was, 'you can't pass this along to anyone who's not 40 yet.' So you'll just have to wait."

Funny, funny man, my husband.

Only now? I'm curious.

Posted by sally at 01:30 PM

May 16, 2007

So I Have This Neighbor...

who lives across the street and around the corner and down a little ways. She's lovely. She and her equally lovely husband have a little boy. Who is also lovely. I like the entire family very much. They're just good people.

She's obviously not my immediate neighbor, not living next door or across the street or just over the alley. She is, however, made significantly more neighborly by the fact that she and I currently share an office. (It's a small town.)

And I am pleased to say that we had a lovely conversation just now. At the grocery store. Because despite living less than a block away from each other and sharing office space, we never actually see each other. So we have to catch up in the grocery store. Just one of those funny things, I guess.

*****

This picture is completely unrelated to the above musing/pondering/babbling. But I thought it was cool. It's amazing what you can see if you pay attention to what's right in front of your nose.

Posted by sally at 08:23 PM | Comments (2)

May 15, 2007

Pictures from Last Week's Garden

Because somehow during the rush of getting it all done I managed to find the time for necessary photography. The daffodils are all the variety "Sterling," and they're pure white. Gorgeousness. And a delightful scent, too.

Posted by sally at 05:07 PM | Comments (1)

May 14, 2007

What I've Been Doing with Myself

Since I gave my last final Thursday morning.

It went well, I was done with the grading by 12:30, and I took the rest of the day off. What a lovely change from the frantic pace of the last 18 weeks or so. I had a surprise lunch with an old friend and (now) a new friend.

On Friday, I did this:

(Photo by my friend Danger, who took me to Orphan Acres, the horse rescue organization where I worked on the lovely Tango.)

Saturday, I worked in the yard. Weeded almost the entire back yard. And then I went to a friend's graduation barbeque, which was lovely. It was just him, his parents, another couple and her parents, another faculty member and David and me. Very low key, but lots of fun. Great people, all of them.

Sunday I cleaned (parts of) the house and weeded the rest of the backyard. I also planted some poppies. Hopefully they'll take. It may have been entirely the wrong time of year.

Today, I've been creating a syllabus for one of my many new preps for next semester. We have a faculty meeting tomorrow, and I'd love to have it mostly done, though I'm not sure that's actually possible. The last one took me three full days to build. Hopefully, though, I'll have a skeleton done. And I'd like to have some of the evening to myself, if I can manage it.

Once the syllabi are under control I'll post more. About synchronicity and what it's like to be married to a 40 year-old.

Posted by sally at 06:03 PM

Cheap, Fun Experiment:

What Happens When You Saturate a Crinkle Ball with Catnip Oil?

The amazing thing is how clearly the alliances are drawn here.

Posted by sally at 11:43 AM

May 07, 2007

That's Not What I Said

Had the first of my two finals today. It's very interesting. The course is a year long course, over two semesters, so both semesters are very different. This semester deals much more with contemporary issues relating to gender sexuality & pornography, violence, the workplace and family.

I know, I know that I cannot be all things to all people, much as I would like to be. (As hard as that is for Perfectionist Me to swallow.) And I know, I know that people will only hear what they want to hear, what they're ready to hear. But it was really hard to read that people thought this class was kind of man-bashing and over the top feminist when I worked so hard to try to keep it from being that way.

And I really did try. I picked readings that included men and addressed their problems too, how they are manipluated and shaped and molded, often in unhealthy ways, by society. I picked readings that addressed female behavior and discussed how many women are not helping the situations women face today (like self-esteem issues and being taken seriously in the workplace). I tried to select films that show how some situations, like pornography, are bad for everybody except the people running the business.

Yet what many students seemed to hear is that the male gaze means men objectify women. That because women face all kinds of violence and sexism in the military and in society that men hate women. That because the wage gap exists, men don't want women to succeed in the workplace. And you know what? Some men do objectify women. Some men do hate women. Some men don't want women to succeed in the workplace. But I do not by any stretch of the imagination think that holds true for all men. Nor am I even attempting to suggest that women aren't a part of the problem, because I think we are.

Frankly, I think the problems we discussed in class exist mostly because the average person doesn't ever stop to think about them. So we don't address them. And then the powers that be--yes, they do happen for the most part to be white men, but that's not an opinion, that's a fact--can get away with all kinds of things because the average person is too busy trying to be a good employee, a good parent, a good spouse, trying to live their life, to think very much about anything else.

Which is why it's so important for people to realize these situations exist. Because I think the average person believes in equality regardless of race, color or creed. I think the average man cares deeply about his family, we just don't give him the tools to demonstrate that love. I think part of the reason women still make so much less than men has partly to do with our lack of negotiating skills. All of which hints at a communication gap that I think should be addressed. Women are assuming one thing, while men are assuming another, and perhaps if we talked about it, some of our problems would be solved. And I thought we'd sort of got there this semester.

That's why it was so disheartening to read that some of my favorite male students thought I was attacking men. And that some of my female students thought the same. No. Never. Not in a million years. I do not equate men with the system. And I wonder how I made that impression, what I did wrong, what I missed along the way. Because I value men, very much. And it breaks my heart to think that some of my students think otherwise.

Posted by sally at 02:45 PM | Comments (1)

May 04, 2007

One of the Highest Accolades I Could Receive as a Teacher

I've been grading for much of today. Paper after paper after paper. Most of them are pretty good. Some really need proofing, some have interesting logical leaps that I have to try to explain. But for the most part, they're pretty standard freshman research papers. Then I ran across two papers in a row that said more or less the same thing:

I always thought that there were typical jobs for men and for women. And that that's the way it was. But now, after taking this class, I've started to think, 'Is that what I really think? Or is that just what society has been telling me?'

At least two of my students have started asking the right questions, "What do I really think?" as opposed to just going with the flow. At least two of my students are on the way to figuring out who they really are and what they really want, rather than allowing the rest of the world to tell them those things. At least two of my students have begun to wonder whether the things they're told are right or true and who is really benefitting from the socially prescribed answers.

Once you start asking those questions, you never go back. You can't. It's like stepping through a veil. Sometimes the light hurts your eyes, enough to cause tears even, but everything is so much clearer on the other side. It's too beautiful and too real and too necessary.

They're starting to ask questions. That tells me I've done my job.

Posted by sally at 08:53 PM

May 01, 2007

On the Downhill Slope?

Probably not. But I've just about finished the grading for my Comm class (now I'm waiting for their very last 1-2 page papers to trickle in), and I've made at least a dent in the final papers for my other classes.

Note to self: While writing is important, must figure out how to make less grading work for me next year.

I'm averaging about 6 papers an hour, which sounds pretty good until I point out that I have 65 to read. Plus the final projects they're doing next week during their final exam time. Again, emphasis on less grading for Sally when building syllabi. There has to be a way to make sure they get the same kind of opportunities to explore and grow without having to turn in so much paper. I clearly need to converse with other Core faculty.

But. Tomorrow I can grade all day. (Whee.) I don't teach at all tomorrow, I just get to go into the Core Office to talk to the lovely, lovely admin about when to schedule one of my Core classes next semester. (If I'm lucky, I'm going to get to teach two different courses. Yay!)

I'm also teaching an upper-division Voice class for the Theatre Dept. And, I've proposed a one-credit special topics acting class to co-teach with a Jungian member of the Psych Dept. It would be cross-listed under Psych and Theatre and could be tons of fun. So if all goes well, I'll have 5 different classes and be teaching 11-14 credits, with only two of them being multiple sections of the same class. Otherwise, it's new preps for me all round. Woot! A real teacher at last at last.

Posted by sally at 10:17 PM

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