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July 27, 2007

Don't Tell My Mother I Have a Sunburn

Because I do. It was stupid and short-sighted of me, but there it is.

I got up yesterday morning and knew it was going to be hot out, so I put on a tank top. I was planning on doing stuff indoors, so it wasn't that big a deal. For those of you just joining us, I am fish underbelly white year-round, glow-in-the-dark pale; I usually wear a second shirt over tank tops when I go outside. Only, I decided that since we have company coming today, LOTS of company, I would do my yearly cleanup of the back porch.

Normally this wouldn't be a problem, since the porch has a nice roof and I was working in the shade. It was when I stood out in the back yard and rinsed off all of the furniture that the trouble started. Add to that time spent cleaning up the driveway so it would fit three cars and some weeding and a rinsing off of the side of the house, and the front, and some driving with the windows down and dumping the recycling in the various bins at the recycling center and suddenly I noticed my shoulders were pink. Oops.

It's not a bad burn. The left is a little stronger than the right, and it's feeling a bit tingly and sensitive today, but it's not too bad. I've been slathering my shoulders in aloe vera gel since I noticed the problem. But I feel so completely stupid for not putting on sunscreen or taking the time to get a second shirt before I headed out to run errands in the afternoon. So Stupid.

But my sunburn isn't the point of this entry. The point of this entry is the title.

I debated long and hard about whether to talk about my sunburn at all on here. My mom reads this blog. So does my dad. And I don't want them to worry about me any more than they already do. I also don't particularly want to hear the wear sunscreen and a shirt every time you go outside lecture. I'm almost 40. I do actually know better. I just wasn't paying attention. But my mom is my mom and moms give lectures like that. When I'm 60 and she's 85, I expect I'll STILL get lectures like that. Because that's what moms do.

The choice of whether or not to post on this topic is emblematic of things I struggle with as a blogger. I know I'm not alone in this. This very situation is why so many people try to maintain anonymous status online. So they can write about anything, without fear of reprisals (or lectures from their parents).

I link to several anonymous bloggers in my sidebar. Sometimes I envy their opportunities. They really can write about anything, whereas I have to be very careful. There are things I'd like to share, stories I'd like to tell because they do reveal (in the exploration of my responses to the situations) a great deal about me, about my hangups and prejudices and insecurities. But I can't tell those stories here because they'd also reveal a great deal about people who haven't agreed to have their stuff made public.

For instance, I have a colleague with whom I do not get along. I have come to realize recently that this person represents the Other for me. Many of my responses to this person are based on the fact that they represent my shadow self in many ways. I realized one day that it isn't nearly so much about them. It is much more about me. Why do I care? Are they really that horrible? Or am I projecting? (The answer to that last question would be "Yes, yes I am".) I would love to be able to talk about what that discovery has done in terms of my sense of self and my feelings about my colleague, but I can't. Because though my reactions & responses to the situation are my business, none of the rest of it is. And it certainly isn't anybody else's business.

It's one of the reason my posts have been less frequent of late. (That and the utter lack of interesting happenings in my life.) Because I'm digging deeper into myself with my writing (not here, in my daily journaling on paper), I'm looking at my relationships and exploring my personal responses to the things that happen to and around me. I'd like to be able to write about some of my discoveries here, because I'm narcissistic like that, but also because this blog has become a way to continue to reveal myself. If I were anonymous, I could explain and explore everything in great detail, including describing situations completely, including background, to get to a better sense of myself. Why do I react to this person that way? How much of my response is about them and how much of it is about me and my own issues?

But I don't want to get dooced or to become any more of a pariah than I already am, thank you very much. And I don't want to hurt feelings or expose underbellies that aren't my own. The other people with whom I interact haven't asked for that and don't deserve it. On the other hand, though, how interesting is it to read an entry that goes something like:

So this person today really hurt my feelings. He said something that sounded flippant and light but that also had a sting in it. And I thought, ouch. And then I explored my reactions to the whole situation and realized that they went back a decade to this other thing that happened and that whole situation blew up out of control like a pufferfish and I thought I was over it but apparently I'm not and I have to figure out if there's anything I can do about that.

Revealing and personal and really interesting, no? No. And that's what we're up against here. How do I make this a place for exploring my own situation without infringing on the private lives of the people with whom I come into contact, who influence me and affect me?

I don't know why I felt the need to post about this issue. In part to explain why I've been neglecting this space of late, I guess. Also, though, to toss a question out there to the universe. Those of you who are anonymous, do you feel you can write about anything? Or do you still have limits? Those of you who let it all hang out, how do you deal with this stuff? Do you have topics that are off limits? Or is anything fair game?

Posted by sally at July 27, 2007 09:27 AM

Comments

Posted by: fire4hairlady at July 30, 2007 02:37 PM

Posted by: Eris at July 30, 2007 04:47 PM

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