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February 28, 2008
This Would Be Me Not Working
You know how I said yesterday I thought it would be another 12 hour day? I was wrong. I left the house at 9am and finished grading papers at 11pm. In between, I had walks to and from campus, grading, teaching, more grading, dinner with students (which was tasty!) a skosh more grading and a rehearsal. Followed by grading. Yesterday turned out to be a 14 hour day.
So today, I got to my office 15 minutes earlier than usual, entered grades, taught, and then went back to my office to spend some time grading, answering emails and talking with students who actually came to my office. And then I chatted with my teaching partner about today's classes and tomorrow's class and answered some more emails. Also a phone call. I finally left just after four. So I'd been on campus for almost 8 hours, most of it working. And I brought home work to do as well. Because I need to grade some more papers & some major projects. They are sitting in my bag. I think I can hear them calling me.
Oh. I also need to re-read the thing I assigned for tomorrow's class and write up a lesson plan AND finish the book assigned for a different class AND work a bit (just a bit, there are rumors of major rewrites) on the play we started rehearsals for last night. Also? I'm supposed to sign up to audition on Monday. Because I have so much time to prepare.
Why can't I find the motivation for any of this?
Hmmmm...
I wonder...
**Update** I did nothing. Well, I picked song to take to rehearsal on Monday. And I spent some time with Dave. I feel a bit better now. Refreshed. Except for the whole "I didn't do any grading this evening" thing.
Posted by sally at 08:20 PM
February 27, 2008
Twelve Hour Days
I was going to post yesterday, but I was running from 9:30am to about 9:45pm. If I wasn't teaching, I was grading or writing or coaching a student in his monologues or working on something else. Plus a movie. Students for two of my classes saw Bird last night, a lovely film lasting two hours and 40 minutes.
It was a long evening, given that I couldn't really relax & enjoy the movie because I had to be in teacher mode. I would so love to have them all be grownups for a day, just a day. Just one day when no one is acting out in my class, but is keeping their issues to themselves and behaving politely, thinking of their classmates' needs as opposed to trying to , I don't know, prove that I'm an asshole to justify their lack of participation in class.
News flash: You're all adults now. If you don't want to be in class, don't come to class. If you don't wish to participate, don't come to class. You may not be getting anything out of the experience, but don't spoil it for your classmates. That's just asshattery.
I should, of course, point out that most of my students are not royal pains. It's just a lovely few. I wish they could work out their authority issues with someone else, given that I really don't enjoy being the authority figure. Pick someone who wants to come down hard on you to rebel against. But I suspect they pick me because it's safe. They won't end up destroyed and bleeding at the end of an encounter with me, just a little bruised.
Today looks to be equally long, given that I walked to school and have grading and teaching. (Interestingly, no one behaves like a butthead in the class I have today. It's the same kind of student mix, but they're good to each other. Hmmmm...) Followed by more grading and then a walk home before I drive back here* for dinner at one of the sororities (I love going to faculty appreciation dinners, they're a hoot) and then rehearsal at seven. I get tired just thinking about the day ahead of me.
Very tired.
*I am driving back to campus because there was a sexual assault here last week. I don't think they've caught the guy yet. I have NO desire to walk home, alone, in the dark.
Posted by sally at 10:39 AM
February 24, 2008
Eclipsed
Beginning
On Wednesday, I had a full day. Walked to school--with the jazz festival in full swing there was no parking on campus, graded, taught, graded, walked home, stuffed some dinner in my face, graded, went in for a costume fitting and then headed off to the Wednesday night concert. But it was also the night of the lunar eclipse, and I was lucky enough to have some time to shoot bits of hit here and there.
The photo above was taken from our front yard, from the only spot where I could kind of get a shot. The house and tree across the street blocked it pretty effectively from view from anywhere else in the yard. But you take what you can get, so I took this. And then I took my camera to campus with me. I got there a bit early and was lucky enough to snap these from my parking spot.
Then I headed into the costume shop and tried on corsets and ugly dresses. I have pictures of me *in* the ugly dress I'll be wearing, but it's ugly. So I'm not sharing it with you here.
After the fitting, I wandered back out into the cold where I chatted with a friend while we watched the moon disappear. And I took this:
Posted by sally at 12:46 PM | Comments (5)
February 23, 2008
Girls' Night In
I took a breather from the festival last night (I KNOW, I even had access to free floor tickets again, but I was so tired I almost fell asleep on the couch when Dave and I got home from work--having grabbed dinner on the way). And since I once again could find NOBODY to go with me, and because I'd kind of already made plans to go out with a friend, I opted to not get the tix.
Instead, because she couldn't get a sitter, I bought a bottle of wine and a couple of bags of M&Ms and toddled down the hill to her house. It was a fairly quick toddle, given the steepness of the hill and the coldness of the air. Brisk, both in temperature and pace.
So instead of listening to live jazz and almost falling asleep in my hard metal chair, I listened to the gentle pinging of the Wii her daughter and her friend had been playing with, drank red wine, ate peanut M&Ms and had a lovely conversation with two other women that covered topics from performance art to writing to Britney Spears to teaching to living abroad to the issues facing our various acquaintances to the shootings last spring to female genital mutilation to Disassociative Identity Disorder. Seriously. I love talking with smart people who are just curious about life, and they are.
So there we sat, three women drinking wine out of coffee cups; a playwright, an actor and a writer who's just discovered she also wants to be a sculptor. (Because, as she said, if you're going to poor anyway, you might as well do as many interesting things as possible.) The stuff she's doing sounds really cool, and now I'm wondering if there's any way I might be able to squeeze that class into my schedule next fall. Because what with teaching at least four and possibly five classes, plus assisting with another one, I'll have absolutely nothing to do with my time.
And then the writer/sculptor left, murmuring something about midnight, and we segued into talking about how you just can't win in this society if you're a woman. I'm selfish for choosing to have no children, and my lovely friend is a whore for being a single mother. And yet, we're both just women who are trying to life the richest lives possible, while facing the issues all human beings have to face if they live long enough. Trying to simultaneously be responsible to the people we love, dodge the curveballs and be true to ourselves.
And then my phone rang. It was Dave, telling me it was 10 til 1 and did I want a ride home because it was one o'clock in the morning. What a wonderful husband I have. He came and got me so I wouldn't have to walk home in the dark in the wee hours.
Posted by sally at 12:08 PM | Comments (4)
PhotoHunt: Wooden
I took this in 2006, as part of the Arboretum Project. Based on how this winter has been, I'm glad I picked such a mild year weather-wise to do that series, because I'm not sure I would have enjoyed hiking up and down hills in waist-deep snow.
I'm so glad I did the project, though. I had no idea I was a photographer before that winter. And the training it gave my eye is unarguable. To keep coming up with photos week after week, I had to begin really looking around me. Especially given that I began in January. It's not like new things are blooming every week then. Not a lot of change in January. Some change, yes. But not like in May and June.
This is a split-rail fence I walked by for months before I really noticed it. As soon as I read the topic for this week, this image popped into my head. I just had to go find it in my files.
Wooden
Posted by sally at 09:41 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack
February 22, 2008
Magic
Is what happens when Roy Hargrove puts a horn to his lips. He's so amazing. There really aren't words for what that man can do.
I am so tired I can barely think. I've been offered tickets for tonight, but I don't think I can do it. Not four nights in a row. I need to recharge. Grade some papers. Sleep. Even though Hank Jones is playing tonight. And who knows how much longer that man will be around to play. Speaking of magic...
Posted by sally at 09:16 AM
February 21, 2008
Change of Plans
I was going to post this evening about stuff that's happened in my life recently, like being really busy and the lunar eclipse and the Dan Savage lecture and last night at the Jazz Festival. But that was before I got tickets and backstage passes for the show tonight. Heeeee!!! Y'all will just haveta wait for an update.
UPDATE - I have an extra ticket and backstage pass. And would you believe I can't find a single person to go with me?
Posted by sally at 04:24 PM | Comments (1)
February 19, 2008
Restless
I want to be moving. There are so many things I want to be doing, but I don't know how to begin them.
I want to go for a walk.
I want to go for a run.
I want to lift weights. I want to do yoga. I want to crawl into bed and sleep.
I want to work on my masks.
I want to grade the assignments in my backpack. I want to build the evaluation forms I need to use/hand out tomorrow. I want to teach a class. I want to work with a student.
I want to work on my monologues. I want to be learning my lines. I want to be acting. Now. Giving words and breath and motion to a character who's never existed before.
I want to plant bulbs.
I want to pick flowers.
I want to walk in the park and smell roses, to walk in the woods and smell pine, to wade in a creek and feel runoff so cold it makes my bones ache.
There's so much I want to be doing. Now. In this instant. Right. Now. And yet, I hold myself back. No reason, no need. I could do (aside from the spring-related stuff) pretty much any of the things on my list. Right now.
And yet I won't. Instead, I'll brush my teeth and go to bed a little bit early. Maybe I'll go to sleep right away (I'm yawning like the top of my head is about to unhinge and flop over backward). And maybe I'll sit up for a while and play stupid puzzle games in the snooze-inducing sudoku book I keep on the table next to the bed.
I want.
I want.
I want.
I want something. I don't know what it is. Only that I want it, and that I don't have the foggiest idea about where or how to go looking for it. Or even if I'll know what it is when I find it.
Posted by sally at 08:57 PM
February 18, 2008
Reader, I Went Shopping
For art supplies.
I dropped a big chunk of cash, but those three masks I posted pix of this morning?
Now they look like this:
The red mask will have flames coming out of his mouth. Made of red, yellow and orange illusion netting. Also fake eyelashes. And maybe a nose ring.
I also now have a bunch of new artsy-craftsy stuff to try out and play with, including some paperclay, which may be just the thing I need for those pesky details I don't want to try to sculpt into a mask form pre papier mache. We'll see. I have plans for a sticky-out tongue, and the paperclay is my first choice of medium. I'm really hoping it works.
You can't really tell from the picture, but the red mask (Imp Ious) is all sparkly now. He looks like Dorothy's ruby slippers. Imp Erfect has contour now, too. I mixed up some purple because, what the hell? And I texturized the other one, Imp Enetrable. He's a little light, and I'm thinking about adding lichen in strategic places, like where the eyes and mouth go, to give him just a little more detail. Maybe green for the eyes, yellow for the mouth. Or vice versa. He needs something more, though. Right now, he's pretty smooth, with very little contour. Though he does have a little shading. I used some of Imp Erfect's purple contour before I sprayed on the rock texture.
They're all coming along nicely, but they're all also almost finished. Which means I need to get started on some more. I have all kinds of ideas, but so little time. Especially since rehearsals start next week.
As the masks were drying, Dave & I walked to the brew pub for dinner and then stopped at One World for coffee and these amazing chocolate mini-bundt cakes on the way home. It was a lovely evening. We watched an episode of Dr. Who as well.
And then I got to write some letters of recommendation. Three of them. I thought I had four, but the other student hasn't sent me all the information yet. So I wrote three. It took me two and a half hours. Because I'm paranoid about unintentionally destroying a student's life with a badly written letter. I get horrible performance anxiety when I write recommendations. I don't know why I keep saying yes when people ask me, given the emotional wringer I put myself through.
Anyway, they're all written now, to the best of my ability. The grades for the stuff I did on Saturday and yesterday are all entered and sent off, too. And it's almost 11pm. I'm going to bed.
Posted by sally at 10:37 PM
Day Off Day Off Day Off
Today is President's Day. The University is closed. I have decided that (aside from writing four letters of recommendation for four students for four entirely different things) I am taking the day off. I got all of the grading done for one of my classes. It took me the better part of Saturday and ALL of yesterday to do it. But, it's now done and I am caught up. Ugh.
The other class has one assignment to grade. Personal fairytales, myths and legends. Though they'll most likely be long, they will also be a blast to read, and I can have a nice time with grading those. I would have had more grading for that class, but my wonderful, wonderful TA took the last bit of other stuff. Bless her heart. Since I don't have to give those papers back until Wednesday, I'm waiting to grade them until tomorrow. I've got a couple of other things I need to get to (like entering grades in the spreadsheet) but basically, no school-related stuff today. I'm OFF.
I started the day out by sleeping in. That was very nice indeed. Though the sun was so bright coming through the blinds that I was sure it must be 10 or 11am when I woke up. It was 7:40. So I snoozed for another 20 minutes, snuggling with Quickly. Very nice for both of us.
While making breakfast, I worked on one of my Imps. Remember this guy? Here's what he looks like now.
Imp Ious
Since the day I first wrote about him, he's acquired a couple of friends.
Imp Erfect & Imp Enetrable
I made them all this summer and finally painted two of them a few weeks ago, but I'm waiting to figure out what to do with the third. He needs to look like rock, and I just can't decide on a base color. This morning, I added contour to the red one, and was all set to do the same for the green one when I realized I'd mixed that green myself and there was no way I was going to be able to match it. So now I have to decide if I want to do the contour in dark blue or figure something else out.
Sigh.
So here I am. I could do anything today. It's a holiday. A day off. The whole day is before me, ripe and full of promise. No worries, no requirements, no demands, no duties. Only trouble is, I don't know what to do with myself.
Posted by sally at 09:23 AM
February 16, 2008
PhotoHunt: Free
I have TONS of grading to do this weekend, so this is going to be a Very Short Entry.
The theme is "Free".
I am a university lecturer and a state employee.
Monday is a holiday.
I think that says it all.
Posted by sally at 08:53 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
February 15, 2008
These Are My Students
Well, not all of them, but some of the people in the picture are. I introduced Dan Savage to this crowd. It was pretty wild, a lot of fun and really interesting. But I'll say more about that later.
Posted by sally at 11:43 AM
February 14, 2008
Whirlwind
What a crazy week. I am taking the evening off, spending it with my sweetie and a friend who's in town.
This week I have had several 12-14 hour days. And those are the parts I've been "at work" for. I've attended lectures and taught classes and taken part in meetings and introduced a celebrity to a mostly enthusiastic crowd of college students. (I'll post about that later. Oh. And don't click on the link if sex advice columns give you the oojies.)
I'm not gone, I'm just crazy.
Posted by sally at 05:39 PM
February 09, 2008
PhotoHunt: Heavy
Bear with me. I struggled with this one all week, trying to come up with an image. This struck me as I walked into the bedroom moments ago. It's our version of critical mass. Only, not quite, given that the fourth cat was in the living room. But if Q had chosen to join everyone else on the bed, there would have been an explosion of the hissing, snarling, flying fur, clawed kind. And since plutonium is heavy, it sort of fit. Plus, they're all very close together on the bed, which is quite unusual and lends a sense of overbalancing. You might say the end of the bed is cat-heavy.
So here it is, Heavy. (Pay no attention to the mess. I overslept and had to be on campus to help students make plaster face casts today. I don't think the cats minded though. They had all these lovely cover nests to snooze in.)
Posted by sally at 02:01 PM | Comments (5) | TrackBack
February 06, 2008
Taking My Own Medicine
Because what good is assvice if you don't follow it yourself?
I have been in a shitty mood lately. S-H-I-T-T-Y. I've hated everything and everyone. (Except Dave. That man would handpick the rose petals he strews in front of me if it would do any good re: my attitude. How I got so lucky in terms of a husband I will never know.) Why just this morning, I was fantasizing about not stopping the car at campus, but instead driving on until I hit Spokane and catching the first flight to Cabo where I would stay forever and ever and never teach again. Because I am a terrible teacher and the students hate me and I don't want to do the grading anymore blah.
So I was sitting on the couch last night reading Pajiba and Ayyyy! and the like, sites with gossip and snarkiness and silly yet clever responses to popular culture, doing everything I could to avoid the Massive Piles of Grading, when I felt the urge to write. It was a physical sensation. I thought, "What the hell is my problem?" and felt the fountain pen and journal pulling me into my office in response.
I wrote for about an hour and felt much better. Though not like anything was resolved. Really, I spent the entire time hashing out a problem by restating old arguments. Not so much the useful except for the sense of release one gets after they've finished a really good rant.
Then this morning I did it again. I try to write every morning, though it doesn't always happen. But most weekdays I set a timer for 30 minutes and scribble away like fury. I didn't think I'd have anything more to say about the situation this morning, but I again felt the pull of the notebook, so I sat down and wrote.
When I got up from the chair, I felt different. I felt a sense of purpose again, and a desire to do things. When I got to my office (15 minutes earlier than usual), I sat down and started working. I didn't surf the net like I have been. I put together a lesson plan and started updating grading and attendance spreadsheets. Then I hiked to the center of campus and taught my class. And we had fun today. At one point I demonstrated how breast implants get inserted. (With my clothes on, thank you. Hey, the kid asked. He was curious and I like to encourage that sort of thing. The curiosity, I mean.)
Then I hiked back to my office and worked until five. I got so much done, including a really effective hour of monologue work with a student who's got some important auditions coming up. After that, I slogged back to my car in the far distant parking lot and did some grocery shopping before coming home. It was starting to snow as I left the store. They are threatening to close the campus again if we get the promised five to seven inches.
But I feel better. I feel like a load has been lifted from my shoulders and the pit of my stomach. I'm not sure why, given that the most definite I got in my writing both last night and this morning was, "It doesn't really matter. However the issue plays out, you've got plans either way."
So there you are. Introspection. Or maybe just venting. Regardless, I highly recommend it.
Posted by sally at 07:39 PM
February 05, 2008
How Do You Help
someone who refuses to admit they have a problem?
When I was younger, I was a big fan of confrontation. Insist, vehemently, to the individual's face, that they have a problem and that they need help. I tell you, though, the satisfaction of saying what I thought was never worth the inevitable end of the friendship.
I have a number of friends right now who are in pain. And there is nothing I can do for them but be there. Because they can't or won't see that avoiding whatever it is that's causing the pain (through alcohol, illicit substances, denial, treating the symptoms) is not working. And it's not my place to either dig into their psyches to find the source or to force them to address whatever those issues are. It's not even my place to ask them about the root causes of their pain. Not. My. Place.
My job is to be there for them when they need me. To listen and to exist. My job is to be a pair of ears attached to an accepting heart. When they're my students, my job also includes pointing out the specific ways those things affect their ability to think critically. But that's not my job as a fellow adult. As a friend.
The thing is, I know that facing the source of your hurt is hard. But it's not impossible, I've done it. I've taken the occasional good, long look at myself and my behavior and worked to figure out why I hurt, what I learned from it and what I might want to do differently in order to avoid that particular hurt again. Because in the end, it's a lot less work to do that than it is to practice avoidance. Avoidance is exhausting. And the source of the pain is still there. Always. It's not like you've actually accomplished anything.
That's not to say that the pain fully goes away. I mean, come on. This is real life. Sometimes you're only going to get partial closure. Sometimes, to be honest, the lessons learned from pain are "Well, that was shitty." But the longer I live, the happier I am that I took a full year off from dating while in my mid 20's to figure out why I had been in an abusive relationship. Because what came from that was a greater knowledge of myself and an acting career. I still want to run the fucker over with a big, BIG truck some days, but if I hadn't had that then, I most likely wouldn't have the marriage I have now.
(Note: Dave and "the fucker" = not the same person.)
And I'm hoping that the work I'm doing now will someday lead to me being glad I took the time at the ages of 39, 40--however long it takes--to dig around for the source of my current pain (still working on this) and to determine what I have learned from it (this, too) and what I want to do differently to maybe avoid it again in the future. (Oh, God, please let that day be soon.)
So it's really, really hard to watch a person I care about, an artist with a lot of potential, practice avoidance like it's the one thing that will save him and then blame me for his pain, when all I'm asking is for him to be true to himself. And if you're asking yourself right now, "Is she talking about me?" the answer is no. Period. I'm not talking about you.
However, if you are a being in pain, if the agony of living just won't go away, I beg you, get some help. Find a professional who can guide you to the source in ways that, while difficult and hurt-filled, are ultimately healing. Or do what I did, and spend a significant chunk of time (years) in a quiet place, where you can listen to the voices inside, ask them the tough questions, accept the tough answers and embrace the person you are.
Either way, it takes courage and perseverance. You have to do the work, and you have to listen to the answers. You can do it, though. I believe in you.
Posted by sally at 12:50 PM
February 04, 2008
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Posted by sally at 07:48 PM
I Hate Snow
There. I said it. It's been a constant refrain running in the background of my thoughts ever since we landed in Minneapolis on December 30.
It's pretty. I know we need it because our aquifer is getting so depleted. I get this. I know it's good as insulation for plants during really cold weather. I know that there are benefits to snowfall.
I still hate it. It's a pain in the ass to shovel, it's a pain in the ass to remove from roofs and driveways and sidewalks and roads. And it's a HUGE, GALAXY-SIZED PAIN IN THE ASS TO DRIVE IN.
And don't get all snitty because I yelled the majority of that last sentence. You should have seen me this morning.
This morning:
1) When I went out to warm up the car, I also took the snow shovel. Because it's getting harder and harder to get out of the driveway with all the piles from plowing the alley. So I moved some of the piles to take care of that problem.
2) I got stuck in one of the parking lots at the university. As near as I can tell, they only actually plowed the most expensive lots. The ones that only tenured faculty & life-long staff can park in. That would not so much be me. I get to park with all of the students. In the lots that didn't get plowed. So I high-centered the car on a drift and had to be dug out by Parking Services. And one very nice guy who hung out to help push once the car was resting on the ground.
I thanked them both about 1,800 times.
(No thanks at all, by the way, to the jackass who walked directly behind the car just as I started to back up and they started to push. You could have been squashed, dumbass. It was pretty obvious what we were doing. Next time, stay out of the way of the car that might accelerate unexpectedly.)
3) I then moved to a different lot, much further away from the center of campus, which had also not been plowed. Where I proceeded to almost get stuck again. I pulled into the space, started to spin my wheels, backed up. Pulled forward, wheels spun again. Shut the car off and leaped out yelling profanities as I Kicked. All. The. Fucking. Snow. Out. Of. The. Parking. Space.
I was either really funny to see or really scary. I don't know which, as no one came along to help.
I know the car's not high-centered this time, though it may be a bit slick under the wheels. However. I have two bags of cat litter in the trunk. I know how to use them if I need to.
Posted by sally at 02:29 PM
February 03, 2008
Snooze Fest
Did I miss something? Or was this one of the most boring SuperBowls EVER? It got interesting in the last two minutes, but otherwise, yawn.
The commercials weren't even interesting this year, and I know because I watched every single one of them and wrote them down for a class discussion tomorrow.
Also, I love Tom Petty, but you couldn't have got much more non-threatening than the halftime show. No controversy at all. Except for the slightly penis-shaped arrow that traveled across the field to the heart at the very beginning of the show. Reminded me of Prince's "guitar" from last year.
I graded papers for most of the game. Because it was more interesting.
Okay. As far as I know, I'm teaching tomorrow. I should probably be ready to do that.
Posted by sally at 10:03 PM
February 02, 2008
PhotoHunt: Narrow
Just one final picture of the havoc wreaked on our yard by the snow. The theme for this week's PhotoHunt is narrow, and the walk from house to driveway seems perfect for that topic. Clearly, we shovel it regularly, but that only gets rid of the stuff closest to the ground. As new snow arrives on top, it sticks and hangs over the edges, and the walkway gets more and more narrow as the piles increase. It's beginning to look like one of those medieval streets, where the houses get wider on upper floors. If the snow gets much higher, I'm not going to be able to get out to the car without knocking into the banks and most likely ending up with snow in my shoes.
Narrow
Posted by sally at 11:43 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
February 01, 2008
Depth
The governor declared our county a disaster area today. I don't know, it doesn't seem that bad to me. The distinction seems a bit overreactive, in fact.
Then again, here's the back yard:
The point of the shovel (a standard-sized shovel) is resting against the sidewalk.
This is another attempt at indicating height. Note that the top of the snow in the space between house and garage is four boards up the wall.
And this is my favorite. It's taken standing on the sidewalk in the top picture. The camera was resting against my navel. Which is at least 3 feet from the ground.
Posted by sally at 09:07 PM
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