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February 05, 2008
How Do You Help
someone who refuses to admit they have a problem?
When I was younger, I was a big fan of confrontation. Insist, vehemently, to the individual's face, that they have a problem and that they need help. I tell you, though, the satisfaction of saying what I thought was never worth the inevitable end of the friendship.
I have a number of friends right now who are in pain. And there is nothing I can do for them but be there. Because they can't or won't see that avoiding whatever it is that's causing the pain (through alcohol, illicit substances, denial, treating the symptoms) is not working. And it's not my place to either dig into their psyches to find the source or to force them to address whatever those issues are. It's not even my place to ask them about the root causes of their pain. Not. My. Place.
My job is to be there for them when they need me. To listen and to exist. My job is to be a pair of ears attached to an accepting heart. When they're my students, my job also includes pointing out the specific ways those things affect their ability to think critically. But that's not my job as a fellow adult. As a friend.
The thing is, I know that facing the source of your hurt is hard. But it's not impossible, I've done it. I've taken the occasional good, long look at myself and my behavior and worked to figure out why I hurt, what I learned from it and what I might want to do differently in order to avoid that particular hurt again. Because in the end, it's a lot less work to do that than it is to practice avoidance. Avoidance is exhausting. And the source of the pain is still there. Always. It's not like you've actually accomplished anything.
That's not to say that the pain fully goes away. I mean, come on. This is real life. Sometimes you're only going to get partial closure. Sometimes, to be honest, the lessons learned from pain are "Well, that was shitty." But the longer I live, the happier I am that I took a full year off from dating while in my mid 20's to figure out why I had been in an abusive relationship. Because what came from that was a greater knowledge of myself and an acting career. I still want to run the fucker over with a big, BIG truck some days, but if I hadn't had that then, I most likely wouldn't have the marriage I have now.
(Note: Dave and "the fucker" = not the same person.)
And I'm hoping that the work I'm doing now will someday lead to me being glad I took the time at the ages of 39, 40--however long it takes--to dig around for the source of my current pain (still working on this) and to determine what I have learned from it (this, too) and what I want to do differently to maybe avoid it again in the future. (Oh, God, please let that day be soon.)
So it's really, really hard to watch a person I care about, an artist with a lot of potential, practice avoidance like it's the one thing that will save him and then blame me for his pain, when all I'm asking is for him to be true to himself. And if you're asking yourself right now, "Is she talking about me?" the answer is no. Period. I'm not talking about you.
However, if you are a being in pain, if the agony of living just won't go away, I beg you, get some help. Find a professional who can guide you to the source in ways that, while difficult and hurt-filled, are ultimately healing. Or do what I did, and spend a significant chunk of time (years) in a quiet place, where you can listen to the voices inside, ask them the tough questions, accept the tough answers and embrace the person you are.
Either way, it takes courage and perseverance. You have to do the work, and you have to listen to the answers. You can do it, though. I believe in you.
Posted by sally at February 5, 2008 12:50 PM
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