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February 06, 2008
Taking My Own Medicine
Because what good is assvice if you don't follow it yourself?
I have been in a shitty mood lately. S-H-I-T-T-Y. I've hated everything and everyone. (Except Dave. That man would handpick the rose petals he strews in front of me if it would do any good re: my attitude. How I got so lucky in terms of a husband I will never know.) Why just this morning, I was fantasizing about not stopping the car at campus, but instead driving on until I hit Spokane and catching the first flight to Cabo where I would stay forever and ever and never teach again. Because I am a terrible teacher and the students hate me and I don't want to do the grading anymore blah.
So I was sitting on the couch last night reading Pajiba and Ayyyy! and the like, sites with gossip and snarkiness and silly yet clever responses to popular culture, doing everything I could to avoid the Massive Piles of Grading, when I felt the urge to write. It was a physical sensation. I thought, "What the hell is my problem?" and felt the fountain pen and journal pulling me into my office in response.
I wrote for about an hour and felt much better. Though not like anything was resolved. Really, I spent the entire time hashing out a problem by restating old arguments. Not so much the useful except for the sense of release one gets after they've finished a really good rant.
Then this morning I did it again. I try to write every morning, though it doesn't always happen. But most weekdays I set a timer for 30 minutes and scribble away like fury. I didn't think I'd have anything more to say about the situation this morning, but I again felt the pull of the notebook, so I sat down and wrote.
When I got up from the chair, I felt different. I felt a sense of purpose again, and a desire to do things. When I got to my office (15 minutes earlier than usual), I sat down and started working. I didn't surf the net like I have been. I put together a lesson plan and started updating grading and attendance spreadsheets. Then I hiked to the center of campus and taught my class. And we had fun today. At one point I demonstrated how breast implants get inserted. (With my clothes on, thank you. Hey, the kid asked. He was curious and I like to encourage that sort of thing. The curiosity, I mean.)
Then I hiked back to my office and worked until five. I got so much done, including a really effective hour of monologue work with a student who's got some important auditions coming up. After that, I slogged back to my car in the far distant parking lot and did some grocery shopping before coming home. It was starting to snow as I left the store. They are threatening to close the campus again if we get the promised five to seven inches.
But I feel better. I feel like a load has been lifted from my shoulders and the pit of my stomach. I'm not sure why, given that the most definite I got in my writing both last night and this morning was, "It doesn't really matter. However the issue plays out, you've got plans either way."
So there you are. Introspection. Or maybe just venting. Regardless, I highly recommend it.
Posted by sally at February 6, 2008 07:39 PM
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