Sallyacious

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March 03, 2008

Things I Should Be Doing

Include:
Grading
Grading
Reading
Grading

Yep. That pretty much sums it up. I should be doing a lot of things that aren't writing and posting this. And yet, what am I choosing to do instead? This, obviously. And this weekend I spent a lot of time in the yard, weeding. I got all of the isolated beds in the yard done, and half of one of the monster beds by the street. Even though the temperature never got above 45. But it was nice to take care of something that was making me crazy. Or, at least to take care of a big chunk of something that was making me crazy.

It's a good thing spring break is next week, because I need it. Burned out doesn't even begin to describe my state of mind, heart and body. I have two sets of weekly assignments and a handful of major assignments to grade. This would be me not doing that right now. At least I planned my classes this week so that I only really have to "teach" today and tomorrow. The rest of the week it's guest lecturers and art days. Even in the "thinky" class.

Which reminds me. I made a HUGE decision this weekend. HUGE. It was a long time coming, and went through a number of shapes before it turned into the choice I share with you now. I'm dropping to part time next year. Well, maybe. Depending on whether the class I've been asked to teach that they found out they didn't really have the money for but their students are required to take it so they're going to try to find the money but they don't know where they're getting it actually happens or not. I think I'll be at 3/4 time if that comes through. (And at this point in time, I am beyond caring whether it happens or not. I just need to know.)

Anyway, I've decided that I won't be teaching my "thinky" class next year. I'll still teach the Imagination class. Because it's really interesting and challenging and, I think, a necessary option for students. But I won't be teaching one of my freshman classes. The one that's less arty and more, well, thinky.

Why? Because I'm tired. I'm tired and I'm out of shape and I'm out of condition as an actor, and that class is the biggest workload I have and it's wiping me out. Because even though I have a TA, I can't make her do all of the grading. I need to do it so I can get to know the students and see where they're doing well & where they're struggling, so I can adapt the semester to best meet their needs. Which means that I'm grading all the time. And when I'm not doing that, I'm doing the readings so I can be sure to lead the discussions in a useful way. And when I'm not doing that, I'm working up lesson plans. I don't have time to take care of me, and that's vital right now.

So even though I will miss teaching that class, because freshmen are awesome and they grow up so much this first year of college and I really love watching that happen, I will be telling my boss(es) that I cannot teach it next year. I cannot be the artist I need to be if I spend every waking moment being a teacher. Just like I couldn't do it as a full time secretary. I have to be part time.

That was a hard decision to make. Mostly because I've been in the habit of saying "yes!" to everything. It's good for me to do, and I've had some awesome opportunities because of it. But this year, it became clear that I'd said yes to one thing too many. And then I was offered another opportunity to which I also said yes. So I've spent the last three to four months (since mid-November, basically) wrestling with which thing(s) I need to say no to in order to remain sane and healthy. I had made one choice, and then discovered that I didn't have all of the information I needed. So I made another choice. And that got tossed out too, when I got even more information. And now, I've decided to take control of the things I can control, and that includes saying no to teaching a class I've loved for the past three semesters because I just don't feel I can give the students what they need and still take care of myself.

I need to get back into voice lessons. Right now, there's not time. I need to be hitting the gym. Though right now, there's no time. I need to be writing and thinking and working up new monologues and finding places to audition. Why am I not doing that now? No time. The yard needs work and the house needs work and I really want to put together some workshops with my teaching partner, but as of right now, I have no time. Because when the workload does lighten a little bit, I'm so busy being tired that I can't make myself do anything more. I just stare at things. And the rest of the time, I'm doing all the things I need to do to be the best teacher I can be.

But though I love teaching, when people ask me what I do, I still say I'm an actor. Because that's the truth at the center of my heart. I don't have time to be that right now, and it's killing me.

The way I see it, I may be saying no to teaching this class I've been teaching, but I'm actually saying yes.

To me.

Posted by sally at March 3, 2008 10:47 AM

Comments

Posted by: fire4hairlady at March 3, 2008 05:07 PM

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