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April 25, 2008

Soul Tired

Man am I tired. Wiped. Desperately in need of a rest.

It isn't just physical exhaustion, either. Nope. Because I am physically tired, but the majority of my weariness comes from the center of my being. I may be burnt out, worn out, tired to the bone, but it's the center of my bones, the vibrating core of every cell that needs stillness. I'm soul tired.

And it doesn't help that it is snowing. Again. On April 25.

Last night, despite the need to learn lines, despite the fact that I only have five more sets of assignments to grade (and one of them is articles that I just have to mark +5 on), last night I sat on the couch and did nothing. I just let my mind wander and surfed the net and did nothing. So this morning I'm not only tired, I'm also wracked with guilt. For not doing all of the things I needed to do.

Of course, the main thing I need to do is take care of myself. I haven't done that in ages, actual geologic ages, it feels like, and now I'm not sure I can remember how. I need to recharge, to replenish, to begin to refill the well I've been dipping such large amounts of myself from for so long. And I know I can get there. I just also know that it's going to be a hellish slog to the end.

One more commitment is done tonight.

One class exits the I have to plan for this stage and goes into the final grading stages after today.

One class is done with the weekly writing assignments. (I don't know if they've realized it yet.)

One show closes on Sunday (so I need to see it before then).

One show closes next weekend (so I can wait to see it until later).

One class has one more set of assignments and then a final exam that will actually be kind of fun to grade. I've had more input on this one than on past exams--by my own choice. I didn't leave it all up to my teaching partner this time, instead, I wrote half of it and sent it to her. It's going to involve doing art on the page along with answering more standard kinds of test questions.

So we're coming to the end of what has proven to be a very difficult year. My goal is to not do what I have done every summer since I came here and just collapse for three months, lying on the couch like a slug, hating myself and life and wishing I was dead while still practicing avoidance. I have some very real and necessary (to my happiness) goals I'd like to accomplish over the course of this summer. To get there, I need to be healthy. Which means resting.

I've discovered that I cannot rest here. I feel like I "should" be doing something while I'm home--the yard, the kitchen, the garage--so what I need to do is go away from here for three to four days, go to someplace where I have no obligations to other people because even the people I love trigger my "I must give and give and give to you" impulse. Someplace where it's not only okay if I lay around in the sunshine (or the hotel room) and wallow in not doing things, but where it's expected and maybe even encouraged.

London was lovely for that, but that was four exhausting months ago. Turns out, I need to do it again. Especially since I came home not really finished with the resting up and was launched into a new semester long before I was ready.

I need to get back in touch with the voices in my head and my heart and my arms and my legs and my gut, to step away from all of the things screaming "Do this!" and spend some time in the moment. My moment, not anybody else's. I don't expect I'll come back from that all fixed and completely healed, but I do think I might come back better. Closer to center. And if I can begin making my way back to the center of me without distractions, I'll have a better shot at getting there even among the distractions of living. Because I'll be pointing in the right direction for a change.

Posted by sally at April 25, 2008 08:38 AM

Comments

Posted by: fire4hairlady at April 26, 2008 03:51 PM

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