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June 19, 2009

Processing

I'm in a weird space right now, a weird space in my head. So much has happened in the last few weeks, I've done so much and experienced so much and I haven't had the time to really sit with any of it. So it's mostly all a big jumble and swirling madness in my psyche and I don't seem to be able to pin anything down long enough to really look at it.

I need some time off. Time off I'm not going to get for a while, what with R&J beginning this past week and my "free time" needing to be about memorization and packing and applying for jobs. But I need a vacation. I haven't really had a break since classes began in January, and I've been running like a madwoman ever since.

In a perfect world, I'd take a week or two to just sit and exist someplace beautiful. I'd spend my time walking and reading and eating wonderful food and just remembering what it's like to be in the moment and not worrying about some task or some place I have to get to next. Then I'd spend some time making art. Days, weeks, maybe even a couple of months making books and painting and cooking and sewing and writing. I'd spend mornings at coffee, afternoons in the sunshine, evenings around bonfires, all laughing and talking and playing with friends.

Then maybe I'd be ready to step back into the "real" world, back into weekday jobs and responsibilities. Maybe. But maybe I'd have created enough by the time my vacation was over that I could sell it and contribute my small mite to the family income that way. I don't know.

I do know that June is more than halfway gone and I haven't really copped to summer being here yet. My crabapples bloomed and I was barely aware. I blinked and my mock orange was all-over flowers. Most of my rosebushes were severely damaged this winter and are coming back from the root, so I haven't had the explosions of blooms I usually get to remind me June is here. (Though the rugosas and the volunteer wild rosebush are all doing FAMOUSLY. I don't think this winter even phased them.)

Because I've had so much to do, I've felt guilty when taking time for myself, and that includes time to paint or write or bookbind or create. The most creative I've been able to be is in putting together lunch menus for the past few days when walking to campus and 9-5 rehearsals have been the norm. I'm trying to eat better, both in terms of nutrition and pleasure, so I've put together some fast, portable, creative menus for my lunches, but even making those was about "getting this done now because I won't have time later." I've been snatching the odd hour of downtime here or there and feeling guilty about it the whole time because I have so much to do.

I have today "off." I put that in quotes because all that word means is that I don't have rehearsal. I still need to memorize my lines and get stuff together for some teaching job applications and maybe have an interview over the phone and clean the house because it hasn't been done in over a month at this point except for cleaning the toilet and the kitchen sinks, occasionally picking up clutter and the weekly changing of the cat litter. All of this is preying on me, weighing my mind down with all of the "Must Do's" so that I can't even consider taking the day off for real. The only hope I have is that some of these tasks will take less time than I expect them to so that maybe I'll have some time this evening to play when I'm not too exhausted to enjoy it.

I know this sounds like complaining, and maybe it is. From my point of view, it's simply me expressing what's on my mind and in my life right now. I'm too busy to enjoy my life, and I don't like being that way. I know if I can get some of this done and dealt with--the job applications, for instance--I won't have to worry about them any more and that part of the stress will be gone. Same goes for the memorization. And I know that once I get something packed, I don't have to think or worry about it again until it's time for the unpacking in August. I'm trying very hard to take this one step at a time, but right now, there are So Many Steps that I don't know which to ascend first. I feel a bit like I'm trying to run up the down escalator.

I've not posted here for so long out of busy-ness and travel and of guilt. If I'm writing here, I'm not doing something else I really need to be doing. And as you can see from this entry, I don't have much to say. I sure have an awful lot to DO, however. The list is overwhelming. Maybe I just need to close my eyes and point wildly at a task to figure out where to begin.

Posted by sally at June 19, 2009 10:54 AM

Comments

Posted by: Heather K at June 19, 2009 08:21 PM

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